The Secret History of Raffi Torres

In today's frenzied hockey media, some hockey gurus preach that kids can grow up to be just like their favourite NHLers. We here at RKP think that this is an admirable goal for the leaders of tomorrow but hockey players, like all people, have a history rarely mentioned in the media. With that in mind we'll be showing you some of the secrets behind members of your Vancouver Canucks and how they got to be who they are today. For now, we'll start with the basics and stay away from the superstars; we'll concentrate instead on one of the most alluring canucks: Raffi Torres.

Much like a bowling ball, Raffi Torres has never let anything get in his way. Even though he was born in Toronto, he still manages to be a nice guy. He was born to an immigrant family and is the second youngest of three brothers.

Little Raffi took to hockey at a young age and was consistently one of the best players on the ice. His coach would tell him that he was afraid to do what it took to win. Young Torres took this to heart and soon he left for the Peruvian jungle where he became an adrenalin junkie for a short while.

This flirtation with the wild side of life lasted until he had a terrifying run-in with a flock of angry macaws while spelunking, convincing him to return to a life of hockey.

Upon his return to Canada, Torres began to once again climb the ranks of the hockey world. He was drafted 5th overall by the Islanders and was traded to the Oilers after 2 seasons. Everything was going grand until Torres overheard coach Craig Mactavish say he didn't like the soul patch that Raffi was working on at the time.

Raffi was devastated by this betrayal and in the off-season he tried to change careers to get away from the 'big meanies' in Edmonton. He tried being a professional clown, but kids were too terrified by his act. Repulsed by the animosity he felt, Raffi instead turned to singing for children and was far more successful.

After pumping out numerous albums in one summer, and gaining the admiration of children worldwide, Torres felt he was ready for a return to hockey. Upon practicing however, he found he had lost one key part of his game. Having used up all of his creativity writing such great songs as Baby Beluga, he found he could no longer celebrate his amazing goal scoring. So with that, he turned to a chimpanzee who had toured with him doing children's shows. "Chimps Ahoy," Raffi would later recall, "was the only one who could see into my soul and heal my wounded creativity."

With that, Raffi returned to the game he loved once more. Eventually he would find his way to the beautiful city of Vancouver and the rest is history.

WARNING: Children looking to be like Raffi Torres should not try to look like him. Do NOT inhale too much helium in an attempt to get bulgy eyes like Torres. At best, you'll sound like Jannik Hansen; At worst, you'll sound like Hanson.